Analytical Dissections of the Critically Malnourished
This Week's Review: Sob'r-K Hangover Stoppers
The idea behind this product is simple: 2 tablets before drinking, 2 tablets while drinking, and 2 after. The company claims that this will prevent hangovers and even bad breath. Such boasts are difficult to believe, especially once you examine the ingredients and discover the only ingredient is carbon (AKA it looks like gel tabs full of ground up charcoal briquets). Somehow a couple of grams of this is supposed to be enough to counteract the aftermath of excessive drinking, which I found unlikely, so a Riotworthy staff party was organized to test the product's quality against our favorite drinking game.
What you need:
1-A half gallon of whisky for every two (2) people
2-"Jaws" (Preferably the collectors edition)
How it works-Take a shot every time somebody says "shark"
What follows is a sequence that illustrate the ups and downs of such a sport. Or really just downs, actually.
Early in the game; bottle is low but spirits are high.
Puke buckets introduced as a preventative measure.
Losing steam, eating messy. Note the level of the bottle to the right.
Buckets employed. Second wind follows.
Kind of.
Had to take it outside.
We did this on one of my work nights just to ensure the test would be thorough. This game starts out at a decent pace, but around forty minutes into the movie there's a dinner party where "shark" is uttered about twice in every sentence. That is the last part of this game I can remember. After that, everything got blurry for a while and then I ran across town to be an extra in some indy film. After showing up at a couple of the wrong houses I finally found the shoot and managed to stumble in and steal 14 beers. I shared that wealth at a friends house later because I was in no shape to tackle such an endeavor. When I finally got home i drank lots of legitimate fluids before going to bed. The fatal flaw in the directions of the Sob'r-K is the "2 pills after drinking" precept. After a game like this you're lucky if you can remember what happened to your pants.
The result was this: while most hangovers feel like you got hit in the head with a sledgehammer and someone went diarrhea in your tummy, a hangover with Sob'r-K Hangover Stoppers feels like someone placed a kleenex on your head before hitting you with a sledgehammer, reducing the impact by a fraction of a thousandth, then went diarrhea in your tummy! The difference is arguably noticeable but still leaves you incapacitated. And completely unfit for a productive day of anything. So in brevity, the product itself doesn't deliver, but it did give us an excuse to watch Jaws, which is one of my favorite movies ever, so it deserves a little credit.
Sob'r-K Hangover Stoppers Final Grade: D+
YE OLDEN REVIEWS
A Spider I accidentally Swollowed the Other Night
JW's Ugly Fucked Up Finger
Durian Ice Cream
A shitty bar everybody likes that they made a bad movie out of
Cooking for Myself
Not Sure
A Hot Pregnant Lady I Saw at Albertson's a While Ago
Piece of Candy I Stepped On While On my Way to The Bathroom to Masturbate
Mr. Meowmers
Some Wedding I Didn't Go To
Pickled Gooseberries
Signs
Colgate Toothpaste Tube
Earwigs
Mold Next to my Sink