Analytical Dissections of the Critically Malnourished

This Week’s Review: The Gas I Have Right Now

Holy shit. I don’t know where this came from. I was writing another review that didn’t really feel like it was going anywhere, so the toxic emissions being released by my tight man-cave seemed very significant in contrast. All I’ve eaten so far today were some jo-jos from Albertson’s, which I don’t think could have reached my stench factory by now, so I’m rewinding all the way to last night when I devoured a frozen pizza which was on sale for half off for some reason, and my girlfriend coated the entire thing with feta. I blame the feta. It tasted so good though.

It’s really strong gas. I can’t really express just how potent it is. I feel like I’m painting the walls of my house with the inside of my colon. Not to say that they’re actually turning colon colored, it’s just really dense and lingering kind of like latex paint fumes. The shots being fired from my jail-fuck-duct are very quiet and gradual, not unlike a the hissing of a snake or a freshly popped tire. I’ve found the gentle releases tend to be more devastating than the more thunderous, exploding ones, especially since they generally conserve pressure making more installments possible, wheras with a more concussive fart, you often release all your power in one burst, and sometimes even shart.

My brother used to live a few blocks from a Thai Resturaunt that I really like. I used to walk to his house a lot of the time and take a short cut behind the resturaunt. These farts smell kind of like the dumpster behind the Thai Resturaunt on a hot day, full of spoiling cabbage, seafood and curry; mixed with buttery popcorn, wet catfood, and boiling egg nog.

In conclusion, I’m glad I have this rectal wind storm and my only regret is not having anyone to share it with.

The Gas I Have Right Now Final Grade: B+

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