Analytical Dissections of the Critically Malnourished
This weeks review: Earwigs
*note* I don't have a digital camera so I have to scan most review subjects, including "living" things.
I hate earwigs with a fucking vengeance, yet they still invite themselves into my home, somehow unaware of my feelings. One of few living things that warrants murder without remorse, they march their satanic form into my sight as though they are familiar with the afterlife and long for its sweet embrace. I hang my laundry to dry in the yard because I'm too lazy to go to a laundromat, and without fail they inhabit even my most personal garments, forcing me to shake them out before taking in the house. That qualifies as effort, which is like a plague in my world. I saw an albino earwig in the yard last week. Oddly, I did not kill it. I hope that doesn't make me racist. Perhaps his individuality will fill his peers with contempt and he will be shunned by earwig and human alike.
Do they actually get in peoples ears or is that just an old wives' tale? They have an appropriate diameter for such a mission, and I have been awakened to them dragging their pointy asses across my face before, possibly making way for the warm caves that are my ears, but they experienced the even warmer fires of hell before they had the chance.
Sometimes when my life sucks less than usual or I'm bored enough to pretend to
be theological, I think there may be a god, but then a cloud in the shape of an
earwig blocks heaven's light from the surface of my conscience and I can't
believe in anything other than a cold biological evolution that would create a
thing so undeserving of life. Does anything even eat earwigs? Are birds even
that standardless? As near as I can tell, the earwigs only purpose in the
circle of life is to really piss me off. Since they serve nothing other than my
hatred, perhaps there is a god, but we are simply not an amiable terms and he
punishes me with his seas of earwigs and mildew as payment for a previous life I
can't even remember.
Earwig Final Grade: F
YE OLDEN REVIEWS
Not Sure
A Hot Pregnant Lady I Saw at Albertson's a While Ago
Piece of Candy I Stepped On While On my Way to The Bathroom to Masturbate
Mr. Meowmers
Some Wedding I Didn't Go To
Pickled Gooseberries
Signs
Colgate Toothpaste Tube
Earwigs
Mold Next to my Sink